Tag Archives: desperate

Heart Condition – a prayer –

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Father,

I’m at a loss. This is such a new thing for me. I can’t remember ever being so cranky and easily frustrated as my baseline. What is this?!? It’s been at least 8 days of constantly feeling put out by whatever happens. All sorts of questions have come up in my mind as to where this is coming from, and so far, no answers. Why am I acting on such a short fuse???? I’ve tried to fix it by purposefully serving, hoping my heart will match up. But it’s not.

But, finally, today I think I heard the Holy Spirit’s soft whisper: maybe this is the end of my honeymoon phase. Maybe the “new and shiny” of my life here in Ohio is starting to wear off. Just look at how I approach my days, just desperate things to fill time. I get my homework done, and then I’m at a loss for what to do. Sometimes I try to distract myself with my favorite drug: social interaction. Or I work on one of the dozen projects we have available in our new place. But, not even a month into this behavior, and I’m already coming up dry. There’s nothing in those wells. They’ve been emptied for me. The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I’ve learned…. And now I’m wondering if this heart condition is so much more multifaceted than I’d initially bargained for.

What if I’m desperate for my home, for my friends, for my real family, and I’m not letting myself feel that hole? Why if my conscious attempts at filling the void are failing, so I’m always angry? And what if I’m acting out on that anger with Lauren because she’s the only one here who really knows me, so I trust her? What if this transition isn’t going as smoothly as I’d thought? What if I’m afraid of letting myself hurt? What if I’m afraid of being vulnerable with You? What if I don’t trust that You’re safe enough to carry my weighty pain?

The only thing I do know is that Jesus is enough. Jesus is enough. And you promise that I will bear the right fruit if I abide in you.

I’m sick of this nastiness. I’m sick of the fruit of “out of the heart the mouth speaks”. My own heart tastes filthy inside me. I am not at peace here.

Jesus, heal me. But please use this heart condition as a call to you, not just as a new means of symptom relief. Help me, guide me to the still waters where I can rest in safety under your shadow.

Oh I need You. So deeply. So fully. So complexly.

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maranatha, burns brightest in dark places, Day 18

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“Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the nations, by the Way of the Sea, beyond the Jordan. The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” Is 9.1-2

I have been so impressed with Isaiah this Advent; not only by the incredible magnitude of Messianic prophecy it contains, but with its powerful and broad-reaching revelations of God’s character. In yesterday’s passage in Isaiah 50, there was this beautiful two-verse conclusion: “Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on their God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.”

At first reading, I was very confused; the people walking in darkness go off free, while those living in light are condemned? How does this match up with everything else I read in Scripture? But then I saw the key point: “all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches”. This is the same statement Jesus made in Mark, when he told the Pharisees (who proudly flaunted their own self-made torches), “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Obviously, the clear truth here is that those who find themselves healthy (or “in the light”) are merely deceiving themselves. Jesus came to shed light into the darkest places of us, but only those who recognize their deep depravity would welcome any such light in the first place.

My God, remind me that You are my only source of light. You are the author of Light in this world, the very source of it in the first place. Keep bringing me to my knees. Keep reminding me that I have not made any of this bright fire on my own. All the glory and credit is Yours.

“For God, who said, ‘Let there be light in the darkness,’ has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.” 2 Corinthians 4.6