I want, even though I don’t want to

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Tonight I’m frustrated with myself.  In a relationship-hyper-focused culture like ours, being single can make one feel awkward at times to say the least. As one of the only 20-something single gals among my local circle of late-20’s-married-with-kids friends, I often find myself in the middle of conversations about marriage, child bearing and parenting. And, for the most part, I really don’t mind; often I rather enjoy not only the company, but the opportunity to contemplate and discuss things I wouldn’t normally be inclined to ponder. All in all, I’ve got the “single-and-happy-to-be” role down pat. But, believe me, there are times, more than I want to admit, where I’m not content with where God has me, and I’d much rather fill my need for acceptance and comfort with some guy (real or imaginary) than allow myself to be raw and patient before my Father.  I know that this compromise is ultimately dissatisfying, but sometimes I’m tired of fighting, tired of holding every thought captive, and I’d much rather sink into the mud of what’s “easiest”.

My best friend (who, ironically enough, has just recently gotten engaged) and I have been praying about this nagging thought pattern this summer. And, by God’s grace, I’ve starting seeing remarkable changes; I think I’m starting to really actualize the gifts and potential in being single. Even better, contentment has started forming in my heart and mind. But this evening, as I was driving home, I realized with annoying clarity, that though I may be making progress, I am by no means finished with this war for contentment. The Holy Spirit brought to memory the motivations behind certain actions and desires I have had lately, all pointing back to my deep-rooted need for attention, affection and, ultimately, acceptance, and how I’ve been wanting a guy to give that to me. Recognizing these desires for what they are, and realizing my sin in seeking satisfaction in areas and persons other than their Creator, I, once again, brought them before my Father, thanking Him for giving me so much grace as I continue to make the same mistakes as I grow. Asking Him to change my heart and mind so I don’t try to stuff these deep desires away, or excuse them as trivial and/or inconsequential, but instead allow Him to be “The Life” I so desperately need (just like Justin spoke about this morning in John 11).

I just recently discovered this song, and I love it because it voices the desires of my heart in this season so simply. I keep seeing the same hang ups in my life, the same misappropriated wants within me,  and my deepest desire is to allow Jesus to be the fulfillment of those desires. Only by tasting His goodness will I no longer want.

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing 
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me, oh God
From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From fear of being lonely
Deliver me, oh God
And I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
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About Jessi Journeyer

I'm a young woman who's been blessed with enough experiences to know that if you don't record what God is teaching and doing in you while it's happening, you're likely to forget His work and therefore miss some of the possible benefits. Initially started as my attempt to sort out the lessons God gave me in Bible School, this online-journal has grown into an ongoing chronicle of God's work and voice in my life, an attempt to sort-out the great soup of thoughts, questions and ponderings that are stirring in my heart and mind. For my benefit and, maybe, for yours.

2 responses »

  1. Your honesty is courageous. It is clear that your are commited to being honest with yourself and God, it is both encouraging and inspiring. I love to see how you are growing keep up the good work and thanks for sharing 🙂

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